Why Men Shouldn't write advice columns‏

Beer, Good for the brain.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

10 Lesser Known Murphy's Laws.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

9. In a darkened room, the shin bone automatically turns into a device for finding furniture

10. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

BBQ Rules reminder.

For everyone that's now entering the BBQ season, Remember it's important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:


Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL..

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Cruise the coast of Somalia.

Vacation getaway, This is funny.

You will need to book this vacation as soon as possible as not only is ammo hard to find but im afraid we might run out of pirates once word gets out.

A Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin ( In the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (Tanzania)

The cruise company is encouraging people to bring their high powered weapons along, If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the cruise ship. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will host reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4days).

The ship itinerary is to sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates, Here are some of the package details:

$800 per day double occupancy.

M-16 full auto rental $25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 Armour piercing ammo at $15.95.

AK-47 rifle at no charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at $14.95.

Barrett 20M-107 .50 caliber sniper rifle rental $55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 caliber Armour piercing at $9.95.

Crew members can double as spotters for $30 per hour (spotting scope included).

RPG's are $75.00 each and $200.00 for 3 loads.

Everyone gets use of complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm - 6am .

Meals are not included.

"MOUNTED MINI GUN AVAILABLE @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied... Heres some text from the ad.

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund back half your monry including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 2.04 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making 3 passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud music beamed shore side to attract attention. Reserve your package before may 29th, 2009 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice.

Here are a few testimonials:

"I got 3 confirmed kills on my last trip. I'll never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than i expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 year old son sank 2 rowboats with the minigun. Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks english"

"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate by sharks- This is a must do cruise"

"I havent had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Dont worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their shitty aim"

Husband makes lunch.

I received this e-mail today, It is supposed to represent the typical male, I will let you be the judge. I'm betting that the women will agree.


One night, a young wife asks her husband, for the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, if he minds making the next day's lunches for them both.

He is devastated by this request, and has a short power nap to gain the energy required to undertake such a strenuous task.
After all, his wife has only worked during the day, went shopping after work for groceries, cooked him dinner, cleaned up after dinner and ironed a shirt for him to wear to work the next day.
Surely, she can do this. After all, he did go to work today.

The young husband finds the strength to begin lunch. After all, he is the stronger of the two, and is willing to carry the heavy burden, if only to give his wife more time to rest.
Shortly afterwards, he informs his beautiful young wife that he has conquered the impossible, and has prepared lunch, despite the lack of energy his tired body has. Don't forget, he did work today.
Surprised, his wife went to the fridge to see what he had prepared so quickly. Looking inside, she couldn't find the lunch he so proudly prepared.

'Where is our lunch honey?' The young wife asks her loving husband.

I placed it on the second shelf of the fridge. My lunch is the one on the left, and yours is on the right' He responds from the bedroom, the task having tired him out, he is already recovering in bed.

Can you see the lunch he 'prepared'?

Look closely at the last picture, What a legend.

And the fight started.

If you've had a bad day at work like me, You must read this, I received this in an e-mail and thought i would share it with you all. I hope it gives you a laugh and brightens up your day.


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

**********************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

**********************************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started... .

**********************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then.....Guess what....The fight started.....

Its a fact..

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Not really worth yelling is it?)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, There would be enough gas produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes... (Who wants to be a pig in their next life?)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Try this at work, Not at home)

A flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping a length of a football field.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Do you still want to be a pig in your next life?..quality over quantity or quantity over quality)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

Two Meanings.

I received this e-mail today that i thought i would share, I'm sure All Men and Women with a sense of humor will appreciate it.

1. THINGY
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


AND.....


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

Bill Gates Vs General Motors.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

Master Card Wedding

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in a local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them
at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

Subject: How to Shower like a Woman and a Man!!!

I received a funny email a while ago, so i thought i would share with you all, I found it quite amusing, And i hope you will get a giggle out of it aswell.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN.

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOUR LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!